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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 592 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Jan 23, 2013 10:30am PST
applause] >> stephen: boom! thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report begun everybody. thank you for joining us. [crowd chanting stephen] what are you going to do with these people? good for you. sit down, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks -- folks -- we've got a great show tonight. please, we've got to get to it. [cheers and applause] i understand the excitement because we've got a great show for you tonight. my guest is dustin hoffman, director of the new movie "quintet" about 4 retired opera stars, and in his film debut their friend buddy, who accompanies them on the spoons. [ laughter ] but first, i'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. [ laughter ] first off, where was security? the secret service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. [ laughter ] enjoy -- [ laughter ] enjoy gitmo, malia. [ laughter ] and the more i think about, the less impressed i am with obama's speech. and it's not just me. it's everyone on fox news. [ laughter ] >> the president made
Comedy Central
Jan 22, 2013 1:30am PST
. president! mr. president! mr. president scham >> stephen: tonight, the historic second inaugural of vice-president biden. then, america gets the flu. the ratings for "the price is right" have never been higher. and i'll discuss obama's second term with editor for the atlantic, ta-nehisi coates. which one of us will be black? the answer may surprise you. [ laughter ] atari filed for bankruptcy today but they're thinking about just taking it out, blowing on it, and seeing if it'll work again. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. [chowd chanting see it fen] thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to tonight's simulcast. good to have you with us. [ laughter ] folks, as a broadcaster, it's my sacred responsibility to bring you the latest information that i watched on some other cable tv network. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] but frankly, today there was no real news to report. instead everbody was obsessed with some
Comedy Central
Jan 25, 2013 1:30am PST
chanting stephen] ies and gentlemen. righ hank you so much,vybody. [cheers and applause] folks, please -- welcome -- welcome, ladies and gentlemen, in here out there to tonight's information uplink. thank you for joining us, folks. folks, when i'm right, i'm right. and when i'm wrong, i'm often right, too. but when i'm wrong and i'm wrong, i'm big enough to change my opinion. [ laughter ] case in point, i'm no fan of the french. [ laughter ] yeah, they gave us that statue, but it turned green as soon as we put it up. [ laughter ] and i don't have to tell you what a money pit louisiana's turned out to be. jefferson should have gotten a gift receipt for that thing. [ laughter ] i have always seen the french as truffle-huffing surrender monkeys. [ laughter ] but it turns out they're actually truffle-huffing surrender monkeys with family values. jim? >> hundreds of thousands of people opposing same sex marriage rallied on the streets of paris today. france's president is pushing a plan to legalize same-sex marriage and adoptions. ♪ ♪ mama mia >> stephen: just to be clear, in france the
Comedy Central
Jan 10, 2013 10:30am PST
glass roof. >> go head. it worked in [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, is america >> gun control. is america finally ready. aim fire! [ laughter ] then, america's troubling new food addiction. and my guest neal shubin is a paleontologist who found a missing link between sea and land creatures. du,-aquaman. 2012 of the hottest year on record. we think. the record burst into flames. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen [ welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. please. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, i have a great responsibility with this show. i am a national taste-maker. when i endorse a product on my show, it takes off. you're welcome "the candwich." [ laughter ] sandwich in the can. it's the future. [ laughter ] now, i try to never use that power for evil or for free. [ laughter ] so tonight i want to tell you about an exciting new real estate opportunity. it's a walled and armed community of up to 7000 families l
Comedy Central
Jan 16, 2013 1:30am PST
know what i'm on. what am i on? i'm on my bike busting my ass six hours a [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a shirtless fugitive is found in florida by swinging a dead cat. [ laughter ] then i profile an exciting new technology. i hope it's an iphone that tells you when to get in line for the new iphone. [ laughter ] and, my guest jared diamond has a new book about what we can learn from traditional societies. if it's how to hang a gourd off your penis, i got that one covered. [ laughter ] a shipment of 18 human heads showed up at o'hare international airport, when i clearly said i was flying to omaha. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining tonight's broadcast. thank you so much. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. in here, out there, folks, you can feel the energy in this room tonight because there's one story rocking this nation. a bombshell dropped by my hero, lance armstro
Comedy Central
Jan 9, 2013 1:30am PST
by >> stephen: tonight, science finds the key to a long, healthy life. whatever it is, i bet it tastes good fried. [ laughter ] then, controversy over the new bin laden film. they shouldn't have let him do his own singing. [ laughter ] and my guest, chris kluwe, is an nfl punter and gay rights advocate. wow, pretty brave for an nfl player to admit he's a punter. [ laughter ] jimmy kimmel starts in his new 11:35 time slot tonight. but since he's my direct competition, i refuse to mention him. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, folks. i have to thank you for that and i want to thank you for joining me in here, out there nation, we all know the economy's not in great shape. just today the dow dropped fifty five-- of whatever it is. [ laughter ] dow-lers. [ laughter ] so i was glad to hear that one of my
Comedy Central
Jan 7, 2013 11:30pm PST
zen >> boehner told reed to go f himself twice >> to perform up>> stephen: tona avoids a financial crisis. in a related story, congress would like to talk to you about the benefits of amway. [ laughter ] then bill o'reilly under attack from the p.c. police. instead of "pinheads and patriots," from now it's patriots and differently skulled americans. [ laughter ] my guest jimmy wales is the driving force behind wikipedia. big deal, so is everyone else. [ laughter ] it's 2013, suck it mayans. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. everybody, welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. nation, i am back! [cheers and applause] now, i haven't sat at this desk for 24 days. that is 576 hours or two viewings of les miserables. by the way, for the record i think javert is getting a raw deal here. he's just a cop doing his job. jean valjean is a crimi
Comedy Central
Jan 18, 2013 1:30am PST
sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for the amount of energy you put into that chanting given the fact that you've done it before. welcome to hour two of the broadcast. nation, you know, i do this show for one reason and one reason only, to look out for you. as we speak there's a massive corporate conspiracy to rip you off that the president has been strangely silent on. fortunately one brave news organization tackled it head on. "the new york post". today their front page blew the lid off the scandal honey, they shrunk the foot long. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] black and white. turns out that the subway foot-long is sometimes 11 inches. we've been $5 foot wronged. come on! 12 inches is 12 inches. i know it's cold out but that's no excuse. [ laughter ] now -- now we know how jared lost all that weight. [ laughter ] he starved to death. [ laughter ] folks this is an eno
Comedy Central
Jan 8, 2013 7:00pm PST
so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. everybody, welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. nation, i am back! [cheers and applause] now, i haven't sat at this desk for 24 days. that is 576 hours or two viewings of les miserables. by the way, for the record i think javert is getting a raw deal here. he's just a cop doing his job. jean valjean is a criminal and must be brought to justice. you're a thief! hollywood soft on crime. [ laughter ] of course, i spent every minute of the break with my family. now, it turns out -- [ laughter ] they are a lovely bunch of people. [ laughter ] great company. i wish them all the best. see you in the spring. [ laughter ] and, folks, like many americans, over the holidays i took care of a lot of things i've been putting off. the first six days, i spent just going to the bathroom. just too busy during the election. i also went to the doctor for a full physical. that area i was worried about, got some cream for it. [ laughter ] and those odd little
Comedy Central
Jan 10, 2013 11:30pm PST
applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd changt stephen] [crowd chanting stephen b.c.] >> stephen: thank you sox please, sit down, everybody. folks, welcome to chit chat, where we girls -- [cheers and applause] we girls just sit around and talk to each other. nation, you know if you watch the show, one of hardest thing about be me is always being right. [ laughter ] no one will watch baseball with me anymore, because i correctly predict every pitch will be boring. i'm like cassandra. [ laughter ] well, lo, it hath come once more to pass just as i spaketh it last fall, when i brought you news of a study that found men are sexually attracted to their female platonic friends. men were also more attracted to female acquaintances, female strangers they saw on the street, pictures of women on billboards, sears catalogs, and particularly plump couch cushions. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] oh, sure. everybody laughed. well, let's see them laugh at this! "man has sex with a sofa in the street." [ laughter ] evidently, a 46-year-
Comedy Central
Jan 7, 2013 6:55pm PST
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause) >> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> all eyes were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sex
Comedy Central
Jan 24, 2013 7:00pm PST
colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you. thank you. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause] oh, nothing can stop us now. [ laughter ] welcome to the broadcast presented to you tonight in full color. [ laughter ] good to have you with us. folks, once again, the big news comes from washington-- an ongoing scandal threatens to engulf barack obama's second term. >> big questions for beyonce. >> was beyonce singing live or just acting the national anthem? >> late today showbiz tonight confirmed that beyonce lip- synced that incredible rendition of the national anthem. >> there is so much going on regarding beyoncegate. >> anthemgate. >> beyoncegate. >> the latest on beyonce's lip gate. >> stephen: yes lip-gate. beyonce-gate. the crisis in lip-ya. beyonc-gazi. was there a second singer on the grassy knowles? [ laughter ] we're still working on it. we have a graphics package and everything eventually. [ laughter ] folks, if beyonc
Comedy Central
Jan 17, 2013 10:45am PST
providence, rh >> stephen: tonight harsh punishment for big banks. that slap on the wrist could knock off their cuff links. how toll keep the spark in your marriage? try a date night or any dried fruit really. and my guest tom brokaw is here to talk about president obama's second term. i'll ask him if there's any way to avoid a third. [ laughter ] a shop is charging a fee for liberal customers. that has to sting for utah's liberal. this is stephen colbert. ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. please. good to have you with us. as you can see, folks i'm on top of the world today. [ laughter ] because of the study i read that forcing a smile genuinely makes you happier. i have to say, this study makes sense. that joker guy seems really chipper. [ laughter ] this is great news. i'm just so sad i didn't know it before. all right. all right. let's see what is happening in the news tonight. okay. checki
Comedy Central
Jan 30, 2013 10:30am PST
group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, do states have to follow federal law? only if it starts with "simon says." bailiff lf. [ laughter ] then, what's the latest news in the war on terror? the answer is redacted. [ laughter ] and my guest george saunders wrote what the new york times called "the best book you'll read this year." joke's on them, i'm not reading any books this year. [ laughter ] eating lunch earlier can help you lose weight. that's why i always eat tomorrow's lunch tonight. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by comedy central this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen b.c. [ thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] thank so much. please, nation, heros sit down. welcome to the broadcast, coming to you, as always, in bone-jostling sensurround! [ laughter ] a lot of technology. [ laughter ] nation, for years i've been warning you about iran. they're almost as big a threat as our oth
Comedy Central
Jan 7, 2013 10:30am PST
the british filmmakers for a copy now. she got it. >> stephen: oh, yes, cup cup, fetch me the downtons. now, meanwhile we commoners are left to fear what will become of downton as it lurches it into the roaring '20s, will lord grantham accept labbee cybil's child with branson. will they stay in prison forth murder of his ex-wife. will they accept a marriage proposal from a young corporal hitler? (laughter) so many questions! she knows the answers. but we don't. until the season premier on january 6th. well, tonight folks, i strike back at her highness. by presenting you, my nation, with something not even michelle has seen. part of the show vince gilligan has agreed to let me show you scenes from the upcoming season of breaking bad. (cheers and applause) as performed by the men of downton abbey. (laughter) james? (laughter) thomas? >> lord grantham is growing impatient. it's time to start. >> right you are, allow me to bring the mobile lab. there we go, mr. johnson. >> thank you. it's a shame that in order to save downton abbey lord grantham has sunk to brewing the black came cheil cra
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 592 (some duplicates have been removed)